Sometimes I feel like a juggler who tries to keep too many balls in the air. The older you get, the more things you build, and the more balls you have to juggle. A wife, kids, a job, a home, a passion, finances, friends, hobbies, … . Some balls are really fragile, and you do everything not to drop them. They are so important you can’t imagine that they will ever scatter on the floor. Unfortunately, a few months ago, the rug was pulled from under my feet, and everything fell on the floor. I’m still picking up the pieces.  Some balls will be broken forever, some will remain damaged, and others I hope to restore. The life and the future I imagined I had, are gone. Sorry for not going into details, it’s just too personal for me.

Game development has always been my greatest passion. My latest project, RPG Playground, was absolutely awesome. Mainly because it gives others the opportunity to create their own games, to feel the joy that I feel when bringing your own world to life. But since August, I couldn’t care less, there were other things on my mind. I was in a really dark and lonely place. I didn’t work on new features, didn’t look at website statistics, didn’t look at the forum. The only thing I did was reply to emails of people asking for help, or when a new update would be released.

A few weeks ago, I finally decided to check the website statistics, and saw this:graph

When I would normally see a spike like this, it would excite me. I would walk around with a huge smile on my face. But now, I felt nothing, and became really sad for not feeling anything. There was this huge spike, and I couldn’t be bothered. I felt lonely. My life was messed up.

Before August, the plan was to make a huge announcement for RPG Playground and Koonsolo, at the start of 2016. And with huge I mean HUGE. But that too, fell to pieces. I hope to make that same announcement some time in the future, but unfortunately I don’t know when.

Things are improving, writing this post means I’m on the right track again. I want to pick up RPG Playground in the near future, start fixing bugs and implement new features. My passion will return eventually, I’m sure of it.

Right now I need your support more than ever. If you want to help, just send some motivational words my way on twitter, facebook, google+, forum or in the comments below. I already received a lot of your support in the past, and it always gave me an extra boost. Many thanks for that!


Categories: Koonsolo


Spencer Harris · November 9, 2015 at 15:01

Sorry to hear about that Koen. I hope everything gets better for you and you can get back to doing what you love in life. Keep up the good work!

tlo · November 9, 2015 at 16:13

Love what you’re doing with koonsolo!

Christopher · November 9, 2015 at 19:12

Hey, it’s Chris-

I’m really sorry to hear about this! If you ever feel the need to talk to anyone about this, we are always here, and we care about all of this! (If we didn’t, we wouldn’t even be here right now!)

What you have created with RPG Playground is spectacular, don’t ever think otherwise. Your programming skills are amazing, and your game system (even with a lot more to do) is amazing! Even incomplete, I bet if you put it on the AppStore you could garner lots of interest, and possibly money – no one has made anything like this for iOS…

Besides your amazing programmer skills, you seem to be a great guy! From what I’ve seen in your writing, your responses, just overall – you have been one happy, energetic, fun loving guy, and that part of you should never change.

Just you in general – your work has changed the minds of many people on RPGs, you have sometimes uplifted my spirits by inserting just a tiny little smiley face at the end of a response 😉 .

You are an amazing guy, Koen! Really!

When those juggling balls break, it only makes room for better, nicer, more productive pins, or scarfs that you can juggle with ease, making your life easier and more entertaining. Why, you may only be able to juggle 5 balls, but a pro at life like you could easily juggle 15 scarfs now that you have room!

Besides from making weird analogies, I can offer some advice:

When all things turn bleak, when you are in your darkest moment
When all things look bad, when you wish for atonement
When life has lost its lust, its greatness
When everything seems like…lameness
There are people here to help, on the other side of the world
New dreams that need to be unfurled
You can always count on us, here to help
Just give a yelp!

We are here for you, you inspire us, make us glad! When my life turns dull, I can always turn to your page, your Twitter or wherever, and gain a smile!

All is not lost, for you still have your friends, family members, people who want to help. For even if all looks bleak, there are people to pull you through!

If it’s a money problem, you are good to go: put this out for mobile devices, charge a couple bucks.
If it’s a family problem, talk to your family and give someone a hug – you can get through it if you are all together!
If it’s a midlife crisis, talk to us, your friends, and stay close to your family. Never forget your family.

Koen, you can pull through! You have a strength, a determination like no other! You will continue to do what you love! I believe in you, as I’m sure everyone else does! Believe!

Koen, I live in a completely different timezone than you do, but if there is anything at all within my powers, I can do my best to help! Come back, and kick life’s ***!!!

Your friend,
Chris W.

Carter · November 22, 2015 at 18:55

I just want to let you know you are an amazing person. I can count on one hand how many people I know that would not only create something as powerful yet simple as RPGplayground, but would make it accessible to everyone who has creativity to make a game, even if they have a tight budget. It’s people like you who allow creativity to thrive in a world where it’s art is pushed aside as nothing more than a fools profession. You’ve inspired countless people to brave a field most haven’t dared to yet. don’t stop doing that. If you need any help, we are here for you.
~ Carter Lyon (half n half)

giich · January 4, 2016 at 12:02

IDK what happened, but be strong. Your game loop article is just amazing and stopped me from making a huge mistake. Thank you!

Mattias · February 20, 2016 at 08:09

I recognize myself a lot in what your writing. To numbers of balls to keep juggling in life has gone long past managable. I dont feel the same feelings, joy, when I know I should. Just wanted to let you know your post… struck a chord (I think thats the words) with me. I was guided to your website and the post with the game loop by a friend.

Sophie · March 15, 2016 at 06:26

Sometimes the best thing to do during these times is to take a step back, and set some time to just think. Remember back when you first started learning how to program, think about the enthusiasm you had, remember how excited you were to create your first game. I want you to put that same amount of enthusiasm into the work that you do now.

Now you have the all skills you probably wished you had when you were younger. Make use of your skills while you still can. Life is too short to spend depressed or sad, and I know there will be times that you feel like you can’t change anything, but know that happiness is a state of mind. Smile when you work, even if you don’t feel like smiling, listen to some upbeat music, go for a run before you begin working. Do the thing that makes you happy.

People enjoy what you have created, and they’re eager to see more of what you can do. I love using rpg playground, I find it extremely useful, I would love to see you add some more features to it, but for now, I’ll continue using the current version of it.

I really hope you see this and feel at least a little inspired, I’m no motivational speaker, but I do speak the truth.

John · April 30, 2016 at 08:55

When it all gets too bleak (bipolarity) these things help:
Reading about or remembering people who have helped others
Ditto people who have overcome tough situations
Music, especially the blues (go figure)
A good professional therapist
Focusing on just one thing I can accomplish
Kicking myself in the butt
Hang in there.

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